Cured of Addiction.

They say that the hardest step with an addiction is to admit you have an addiction.
I admitted i had an addiction.
A wise woman said to me just recently "you need to get this out of your head before you head implodes"  SO I DID.
I wrote about about my addiction. http://leeniesramblings.blogspot.com.au/2013/03/my-addiction-is-you.html and got it out of my head and now have room to realise what a silly fucking addiction it in fact was!
I'm calling it a mid life crisis because maybe that's what it was? To have all these strange feelings for someone so much younger than myself.
Trying to convince someone who has no idea what they even want - that i can look after them and make them happy, make them safe and make them understand what it's like to have someone care for them - was a total nightmare for us both!
It caused anguish and pain for me. It caused frustration for me. It caused anger for her because she didn't want to be cared for. She didn't want to have to reciprocate because she knew it would be too hard for her.

But it wasn't ALL BAD!

We had fun. We had laughs. We shared some very special times. She opened up and let me into her world - something she never often does. I felt privileged and humbled that i could be trusted with so much detail.
I experienced things i had never done before in my life - all through the power of a mobile phone...
I would never have dreamt that i could have so much fun and good times with never even meeting someone face-to-face.

This certainly has been an experience. An experience i will never forget. The problem with an addiction is that it overtakes your life and you cannot see beyond it.
I am glad that i am able to break this addiction and realise that i can be better. I can do better. And i can live better.
Texting her tonight with final parting words that included "...And now i have room in my head to start and do some new stuff and not worry about... [you]...and that is a good feeling for me. Almost cathartic." "I am being honest with myself" 

We have parted ways. For good. I hope!

LET ANOTHER CHAPTER OF MY LIFE BEGIN...

My Addiction Is You.

You are my drug of addiction. You are my drug of choice. I find myself tempted by you every single day.
What started off as a mild addiction has become a serious addiction. I am aware of my addiction and i try to withdraw from you.
I try to break the cycle of everyday addiction. Sometimes i succeed and sometimes i collapse. I try to go cold turkey but i know i cannot do it.
You have become my addiction and i worry. It has been such a short period of time. 133 days is all. We shared a joke with somebody else and became friends ourselves. What started off as casual became a bit more with temptation which led to this addiction.
I call you my BABY WOLF because you are. In my eyes you are a mere child. You are half my age. My car is nearly as old as you. I DO have t-shirts older than you.
But yet you are my addiction.
Your music influences both impress me yet confuse me. Your taste in music sometimes drives me wild, sometimes drives me crazy.
Your tastes in movies and television shows confuse me. i cannot comprehend the violence and gore you love so much but am slowly understanding it because you are my addiction.
Your love of poetry and your love of classics mesmerise me.
Your love of nature and the sky and the storms impresses me.
Your eyes reveal so much yet reveal so little.
Your mind to me is brilliant yet you have so much to learn and understand about life.
Your shyness amuses me yet frustrates me.
I am beginning to gain your trust. I am beginning to gain your friendship. I am beginning to gain your honesty.
You are my addiction.
Your outlook on life scares me. I so want to change that. I want to be able to show you that it can be different.
I want to be able to take away your fear of the future and show you that there are good people in the world. I want you to realise that i am one of those good people of the world.
You are my addiction.
I want to be able to explain to you that your past is not your future but you need to alter the way you see the present.
it hurts me and i know that you struggle with day to day life - as we all do - as i do because you are my addiction.
We battle each other every day.  Not one day is the same.
We push and pull and push and pull until we think there is no more but there still is.
We play games with each other that we both want to win because we both cannot back down.
We both need and want the control - to control each other - and that is the battle.
That is my battle because you are my addiction.
You make my life happy. You make my life hell because you are my addiction.
And with all addictions i don't know what is going to happen or where i am going to end up or where we are going to end up.
Am i going to sway you over to my side of more than just "friends" so i become your addiction?
I don't know. I cannot make that decision for you. I know you are not ready to decide that either.
So i sit and i wait as i am consumed by you every single day as you are my addiction every day.
My baby wolf.