By the way when I said that I wasn't going to publish these blogs, I meant that I am not going to share them with twitter. I am only writing them for me. But if someone happens upon them like I said, so what!

Am sick!

So, it appears that all the exuberant energy I had a week ago was a disguise. I wasn't on my game on Saturday. Sunday I felt terrible. I was grumpy, emotional, tired, unable to concentrate. But managed to do the dishes and get some gardening done, and had a refreshing shower. Monday morning arrives and I sure as hell know that I am very sick.
FUCKING ALLERGIES!!!
I have a bacterial infection in my nose. And feel like I want to crawl away and die. This is a bad one I tell mumma. I can see that you're not looking all that well. She says. Better leave me alone I warn her.*
I drag myself out to the shops to pay bills and buy some DVDs and other stuff - all the while not making sense to anyone, being disoriented and hungry!
I sweat through my clothing and sit in my car to have food at 5pm.
I arrive home and just crumble. Am in bed by 8pm and mumma has me in tears by midnight!

Today was a quiet time for me till mumma woke up and started on me with the I don't understand bullshit.

I totally lost my shit and had a demoralising breakdown where I just shed tears. And felt really vulnerable.
I hate feeling like this. And know that there is nothing I can do except wait for the infection to leave my body. (Am immune to antibiotics for it now).

It is a bad one this time around. I haven't had an infection for a while. This one is fucking with my mind and awful lot more than usual.
The good thing is I am aware of it. And this is the first time I am writing about it also. I must be strong and not let it beat me to the ground.

*Mumma didn't listen. :'(

So I have also decided not to publish any of these but if someone happens to come across this, well hello to you. I don't want to be judged or pitied so I don't want any comments to be left. I don't even remember if I have that option working?

I just want to be able to write how I feel and get all the stuff that I have in my head out.

No editing except for typos if I see them.

I also noticed that is nearly twelve months since my last blog. And that was about Alicia but I will not be reading it nor will I delete it.
She is not quite out of my life because it is a very weird pull that she has on me but I finally deleted the 13 months worth of text messages that I kept on my phone. It took a few days to convince myself that I had done the right thing. My phone actually feels lighter now! Lol
I tweeted her that I did it and she was a tad surprised that I told her that I am now free from her but to take care of herself.
She bloody text me a few days later to say that she fell over and hurt herself and wished I hadn't told her to take care of herself. She liked though. I didn't reply back.
I still occasionally check her tweets because I have to. This is the pull she has over me.

I am hoping that this will be the last time I need to write about Alicia.


I am writing these blogs on my tablet and I am finding it quite easy to type out -especially with the autocorrect and preemptive strike - no - next word suggestion. <---- see what I did there? Lol

Ok. It's 10.30pm and after writing two basic blogs I feel better.
Be back next time...

I have decided to write again on my blog because it will hopefully help me with my stress and anxiety that is getting worse and my depression that I am currently holding at bay because I am in denial of how bad my life actually is at the minute.
Is this a good plan?



I won't know until I try it I guess...